I have to admit to frustration.
I am here on the eve of an ensuing week of finals. In fact, It's Saturday night. I'll be studying with a friend tonight. (With beer in hand, mind you!)
I have worked so hard this fall. I don't think I knew before that I was capable of this, of what I have accomplished, all at once, within the past few months. I didn't know.
Ok, ok. I am proud of myself. I remained calm and collected, not too stressed but in moments. There were times when I would have liked to keep up on things more precisely, would have liked to feel 'on top' of things, but you know, just to get a little...well...that's not what life is about. Life is not about being/feeling 'on top' of things. It's about being with them.
Does that make sense?
It's not about being in control. It's about dancing. Catch and release. Allowing intention to mix with randomness and to feel blanketed by the good in it all.
But why am I frustrated? with such wisdom a-bounty why would one be so shortsighted?
You know what, it's that I haven't cooked a really good, healthy meal in ages. I'm not kidding. I eat, don't get me wrong. I find fast and easy frozen things or things in boxes...see? I don't even call it food. I eat things. AAAARrrh.
This is why I spent my twenties (ok. part of the reason why--we can talk philosophy and the phenomenon of the late bloomer some other day, hopefully in person) floating in quasi-unemployment, poor as all get out, part-time whatever whatever (I can't count the jobs I've held in Portland on both hands), part time enraptured in, in love with.....time!!! I used to cook so much, I used to bake all day, I would share all the lovely food with my roommates at the time and with people we would have over for dinner. I loved the food I ate. It nourished me.
And tonight I made some TJ's rice and threw in some corn, and both were out of a plastic bag that I pulled out of my freezer. And I sat here and ate it while I began to type this post and it was fine. I've got things to do.
I want to cook a sustainable, local, nourishing, delicious meal. Not only because the food is good for you, but because so is the cooking.
That's why I am frustrated. I have not the time at the moment. But soon. Almost.....there.